WEEK 103 - POST 2
I got to a core truth today.
I went to my computer today to start doing part time hours and I saw an email from my collaborator and she was trying to reach me yesterday before she submitted a grant. I forgot to give her the quotes with my budget (and I really don't know why I didn't send them with the Excel file - did I want to get a confirmation from her that the prices were OK first? I don't know what was going on in my head). SIDE NOTE: There's always this push and pull where I want it to be my own project but I also want "approval" from her. And she's wired to give opinions (and disapproval) but she also wants to have a partner that can be independent. It's a strange fit - works and doesn't.
But the core truth was this: That I'm afraid People won't Love me If I make a Mistake.
I feel so much shame when I realize (or it's pointed out) that I made a mistake. I'm wondering if this is partly why I'm holding back as I don't want to deal with mistake after mistake? It's not something I think about a lot - worrying about making a mistake in the future - but when it happens, it really makes me stumble and fall. I feel like the whole world is disapproving and turning their back on me (or will). That they must be talking behind my back, that they must be agreeing I need to be fired, that they must be shaking their head and wishing I wasn't involved.
It's rejection and it hurts.
It's in my own head. I don't see it actually happening in my adult life but it's in there (deep in the core).
And it colours my entire world.
So today after I realized that "I" made a mistake, I just didn't want to do anything. I could feel the pull to numb myself with video and with food and I could feel the desire to walk away and reject everything.
I guess before it rejected me.
I guess when I was young, no one let me make mistakes and own them. No one showed me that there was no shame in making mistakes. No one helped me understand that everyone makes mistakes and it's part of being human. No one said: "Don't worry, mistakes happen and they will always happen and we can't control everything. We can do the best we can but we have to be OK with some mistakes. We have to be able to shake it off, understand that the next step is to fix them as best as we can and then we need to go at it again. Be willing to try our hardest again and possibly fail AGAIN."
"We have to embrace being human, be able to find some humour (humanity) in it all and love ourselves for being imperfect.
We have to love ourselves for continuing to try, for being OK with being imperfect and for just showing up."
No one taught me that resilience.
I can't say that this day was a failure or a mistake. I do see how much I have gotten out of it (internally).
Old Me still wishes that I wasn't so triggered, that I could just dust myself off and not be affected by it (be angry, blame others, stuff it down). That I actually could have gotten stuff done today.
New Me is recognizing the deep shame I feel (which I shouldn't be feeling) and the techniques I use to hide it (blaming others, numbing, etc) and I'm very grateful for this learning moment.
I'm wondering how much of all this is keeping me inside, keeping me introverted, keeping me small. I really do feel like I'm a walking mistake many days.
UGH.
But how can I feel bad when I'm waking up (not asleep to the brainwashing), really learning new things and becoming resilient (re-parenting myself) and taking steps to be an amazing entrepreneur.
ALL BY MYSELF.
I'M DOING THIS!!
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment