end of week - ugh (again)

WEEK 80 - POST 4

I just wanted to check in here one more time because at the end of the day, I was stressed.

- working with those who truly don't listen to my point of view
- working with those who truly don't think through their "asks" (have I been clear enough, is this really the best use of her time, etc)
- working with those who have a complete different vision than I (but I do know that locally there has been support of my vision)

Every time I get put out, I feel these emotions (rage, frustration, stress, unhappiness) because I'm not able to be clear in what I want.  I fear that if I speak up, I will lose this paid position (or at least that certain people will not want to work with me again).  So I just silently boil and let these emotions simmer.  But what if I did speak up?  What if, by speaking up, I provide a clear message to the world and the universe of what I DO want?  And that by speaking up, I'm then lead to more happiness and peace overall.

Again, my mind feels like this is the only group to partner with so I then go into protective mode of what I think I have (that I believe can't be replaced).  I love what I do when I go out into the world with this part-time biz and I don't see any type of replication of it anywhere else.  Not in this informal, relaxed way.  But that's only what my mind can grasp, it's not the truth (or the miracles) of the universe.

I think of all the times I haven't been happy with this part-time job - having to post jobs, interview, supervise, answer questions, manage others, etc. and I know I've compromised a lot.

i've compromised alot to get to:

- $25 an hour (so if I work 15 hrs/wk, I take home $1.5 K a month)
- the opportunity to apply for a three-year grant for my position

But these are achievements I do feel happy with!

But in the end, has all the compromise to get here, been worth it?

Then on the other hand, there is the stress of being a small business owner and the lack of knowledge (or desire) to do the promotion side (which is key - yikes!) and the need to please customers and be flexible, reactive and accommodating.  I just don't see what other options I have.  I was thinking this week, that a better model could have been to write for others and use other publications to get the word out.  I might try a bit more of that in the upcoming year (along with guest posts).

I think that unless you go where someone is REALLY passionate (art, expensive hobby, writing) or has strong needs (i.e. all these business coaches, etc.) then it's a really tough slog.  For example: people like reading and music but most are not crazy passionate about it (unless you are the writer or musician) and you can see where these two industries are bleeding revenues.

Too much to figure out when I'm closer to retirement than at the start of my career.

UGH.