early week and early morning tears

WEEK 78 - POST 1.0

It's happening, it's happening...

Painfully.

But yes it's happening.

I feel like things are being burned down.  If I don't want to do it myself, someone behind the curtain is giving me a bit of a push.  UGH.

At the end of last week I had alot of mixed emotions about the holidays coming up (family issues, spending issues, friend issues) and I bought gifts maybe more out of "obligation" than real desire.  I know it started as real desire but it then got topped with this desire to support a friend's bazaar.  And I started feeling really bad about spending money.

And then this money worry came back at me: an overflowing tub, which led to getting water into the ceiling (yikes!) and then a missed appointment that could cost me up to $200.  The second one is mixed with this anger/disappointment that "I forgot" (ironically because I was finally doing yoga in the morning!  hah!).  I hold myself to such high standards (due to parents) and I think I rebel against them (by not putting in my best effort) but still feel "bad (girl)" and unloved by "disappointing".

This morning I tried again just to allow the feelings to flow and not attach and then afterwards, I repeated to myself "I forgive you" and that really hit a core belief (tears).  I really need to be OK with not being perfect.  I think this is part of the reason "I don't want to be here" - I don't want to be in this disapproving environment where I can never do anything right.

I'm noticing more such as when I need to disconnect and unplug in front of the tv.  I'm noticing more when I'm triggered and start craving something sweet.

I'm really questioning who I spend my time with this year and I was given the "opportunity" to opt out of a gathering because it just didn't feel right and I did.  BRAVO

I really need to protect my time more and really offer it out wisely (and generously) and if I have to do something that doesn't feel appropriate then I need to do some before and after practices to help me transition and release things well.

It's happening, it IS happening.

I am really starting to see every moment as a teachable moment.

And all of this is being written in my entrepreneur journal because all of this is going to help me on my biz journey.  XO