wow. it seems like I have lost all motivation.
it's another Friday and I haven't checked in and I feel like I haven't done anything this week. My week had a bad start where I felt slammed by my Part-Time job. I got some stressful news (that needed my attention) and I was also behind in writing a few things.
All week I felt like I was being hit by all these little (big) things:
- I get triggered by my accountability partner going to the online group, instead of engaging with me. (Am I not enough? Why doesn't she want to check in with me weekly?)
- I am wrestling with so much tightness in my body and I am beating myself up for getting into this situation in the first place (but ultimately I think this is good).
- And it's really hitting me that I NEED community. I need people who get me now, who want to work on the same thing, who have the same aspirations and who can say: "me too!"
I think it's starting to really sink in that, just like I did with my friends, I need to start appreciating "community" where I might have a bit of it right now and REALLY feel it. It's not that I need to seek out this NEW community or put all my effort into COMMUNITY. That could be exhausting, the best way to start is to appreciate what I have and be grateful - this will allow more community to bloom!
I don't have a specific work community or a church community or a neighbourhood community and I really feel lost and alone and unmoored. yes, unmoored. But even seeking community doesn't always fufill us because when "we" get into groups there are ultimately people who trigger us or annoy us, etc. And many people don't "get" how to be a good acquaintance anymore. (I'm watching RHONY and it's making me really sad.) So instinctively I avoid groups (and probably many people do this also). People really don't put any effort into get along anymore. UGH. (Before, at least we had this "civil society" and certain "rules" to be a good neighbour, etc.)
Whew!!
Why am I saying this in my entrepreneur blog?
I think we can all feel really lonely and even when we might connect online or be in a coffee shop, it's still like we don't have any tangible FRIENDS (people who care) and it's hard when people don't value the other people right in front on them. They dismiss their work friends or gym community because they don't want to try (this is just a stranger who is working out beside me) or they get triggered and then push people away - thinking: I have a better friend who I see once a week outside the office who gets me. This person in my office doesn't get me, so I won't try. These situations just create more and more alienation and that is why we have this craziness in our world right now. We're not willing to "get along" and always want to blame the other person. UGH.
Every day I get up and I am still wrestling with inner deamons that say I'm not good enough or what I do isn't important enough and then I get distracted seeking community (or friends) to counteract those inner statements. I feel lonely every day. But I don't want to check in with friends constantly (be that needy friend) so I just stuff it back down.
And every morning it comes back up.
My loneliness is affecting my ability to succeed in work.
I know I need to do two things:
- work on my own ability to soothe my needs
- notice (and build) a better "community" around me
Even if I'm not engaging with my community every day, if I know it's there and cheering for me, then I should be able to handle the ups and downs better.
What do you think - is it hard to be your best with a community alongside of you?
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