anger and acceptance

WEEK 48 - POST 2

I'm stressed.

I need to acknowledge this and notice how it is affecting me.  I'm feeling anger at the wrong people because I feel crunched inside.  It's not the good kind of stress (can there even be that?).  It's more the stress that is taken on for frustrating reasons - reasons that feel completely out of my control.

I feel these intense pressures to achieve certain things in my part-time job due to the new grant we received.  I felt that my concerns or desires weren't heard when we applied for the grant last fall.  So I was hoping that this grant wouldn't happen.  But it did and now I have all these unrealistic targets to meet that really don't help me advance the local program that I wanted to do.  And currently the targets are out of my control.  We have a request out - seeking local partners and the deadline for applying is in two weeks.  I won't know if anyone is really interested until that deadline and if the interest isn't there, I don't now what the next step is.  All I need are three groups to apply (and I *think* two might) but I have no idea how many applications we will get.  And I didn't have time earlier this year to get out the application request or promote it more.  And now we have a second initiative that requires certain people to apply for a 6-month contract but the requirements are so specific that we've only had one resume sent in.  So now I'm working extra time to promote that also.  Again not my choice.

This part-time job is turning into a nightmare.

In a way, I shouldn't let it feel that way.  I need to do what I can (with the time that I have) and just leave the rest to fate.  This panicking that I'm not doing enough and/or wondering what will happen if we can't find the applicants (for either deadline) does me no good.  And on top of that is the anger that this is "happening" to me.  That I never wanted it but it's happening due to poor decisions by my boss (read: out of my control) and I'm the one suffering.  Ugh.

Part of me is trying to think of everything and anything that I can do to make both of these a success and the other part of me is worried that in the end I can't control anything.  That I can't MAKE people apply.  That I can't achieve these targets through my own work.  WHICH IS THE MOST DIFFICULT TYPE OF ACCEPTANCE.

I could do it with my own business but because I have certain "tasks" assigned to me as a part-time contractor and I need to achieve the "targets" of the grant (that we took and is paying for my time) it is really hard to accept that any of this is out of my control.  Because the first thing they will ask is "How much did I do???"

This is why I want a slow business.  

This is why I don't want to chase after targets.  

This is why I want a part-time job that I can just clock into and clock out of and NOT take these worries home at night.

This is why from now on I need to be clear in terms of what I want, what I can handle and how I will be helping out.  (i.e. this stupid STEM program that doesn't even fit with what we do - if she chooses to work with them again, I'm not doing any extra work.)

I need to be much more clear in what I will accept.

I need to be OK if she doesn't want to partner with me in the future.

I need to trust that the clearer I am, the more I clear the path to where I SHOULD be going.


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