a Friday post

WEEK 40 - POST 4

Sorry I wasn't here to check in on Thursday!

Hope all goes well on your fronts!  How is your creative entrepreneurial work going?

OH BOY.

I'm really rethinking everything.

When I was given the option of working 15 or 18 hours a week and the 18 hour amount was almost double what I had been getting last year, it was hard to say NO.  I justified it in my head, trying to tell myself that I deserved it - that I had worked so hard - that I should see my money doubling - but what I hadn't really realized is all the headaches that would come of it.

I knew that the big collaboration (that we rushed to put together in less than a month) last September (with my part-time job) was a mess and that we were going to be in some trouble if we were awarded the grant but then when we did get it and I was just see the $$$$ figures it was hard to look away from the shiny object!

But basically everything that I wanted from the collaboration was thrown out the window - I want to do something different and include translation but that budget was cut and I am now having to follow almost exactly what they proposed in the other two chapters.  (Even though when we were putting it together I was constantly reassured that our chapter could "do whatever you want". hah.)

So now I'm trying to figure out a way to make it work for me but it means changing my contract and getting my boss on board - when she she's still telling me - don't worry - I know what they are doing in the other chapters is different - we'll make it work here!  don't worry.  (Even while the collaboration coordinator is now saying No - do it this way and only this way!)  Talk about conflict!

I'M WORRIED.

I freaked out a bit in the meeting yesterday (which I'm not proud of) and twice this week I've found myself not bowing down when someone jumped in and started talking over me.  Usually you'll just stop talking when you are interrupted but I now have this habit of just keeping talking until the other person stops.  Oh Man it's bad.  I'm out of control.  (It's a bad way of trying to assert my power and feel like I'm being heard.)

So there's that.

And also this week it's all been about meetings & appointments (Monday - Tuesday) getting ready for presentation and giving it (Tuesday).  Meetings and providing things for the the new graphic design contract (Wednesday).  More meetings and appointments (Thursday).  So today is my only open and free day and here I am worrying about my contract and the grant deliverables and other issues of my job.

That's why I wanted a part-time job where I would just punch in and out and not bring it home with me!  But that's not what I have.

I feel good that I wrote her an email so that these issues can be discussed.  I'm at the point where I don't care what she thinks and if this doesn't work out for me, I need to find something else.  I can't let being scared of losing my job, not allow me to speak up for myself.

I usually don't speak up because I've always want to appear competent and just try to solve things myself or hope that things just smooth themselves out.

This one is not going away.


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