WEEK 15 - POST 2
Is it me, or is it others? Am I projecting or am I fearful? Is there anyway to surrender when it doesn't feel safe? What if it always feels unsafe? How do I find a safe place?
I'm realizing more and more what people need (what I need) is empathy. The answers are within us. Sometimes people's helpful suggestions are welcome - we all want to feel useful and it's amazing to think we inspired others - but what really is needed is someone just to hold space for us. To allow us to be.
I spent the morning in a space that I was excited about when I heard it was coming (yoga - cafe shop) but sadly my two experiences (second one today) haven't been great. I was really looking forward to having a space in the neighbourhood where I felt welcome and could connect with another forty-year old entrepreneur.
I've found that in another space (which I should go back to soon! miss it!) but this one was even closer with a yoga teacher that I had really liked for many years. But the last two times - she's really been flaky, unprofessional and cliquey. The opposite of welcoming. I know that this is a new business for her and that she's got alot going on. I know her style is a bit different than mine but I'm really surprised that the two encounters I've had with her have been thumbs down (when all others ones have been thumbs up). And I haven't had that much of an "expectation" for this place - no big attachment for what it could be. But maybe we just haven't been jiving for some out of whack reason.
I spent the morning in this space that just isn't doing it for me and with someone who always thinks that her advice is needed and that she always knows what others "should" do to fix themselves. I think she sees herself as supportive and I'm sure she welcomes suggestions from others but I just am tired of her "life coaching" me.
"This is who I am before I even got trained" she tells me.
I think I'm really uncomfortable with it (she is offering sympathy and empathy in a "here let's explore it" way and it could just be seen as being friendly) because I want to project a strong image to people I don't know really, really well and where I've developed a really strong supportive friendship.
It's also partly due to the fact that in my friendships, I'm usually the one that supports others (and am trying to be better at just meeting them where they are and want to get good at asking "what will you do?" rather than trying to solve it for them) and am not comfortable in the role of being supported.
Especially when it's a top down approach - where it doesn't feel mutual. Where we are not supporting each other.
Oh this is a mess.
And why am I writing about this here????
What does this have to do with being an entrepreneur?
I'm stuck today. I'm stuck and can't focus on getting work done (and this is the only day I have to work on my business - ack - I'm so behind!!)
But also it makes me realize that I really have to follow my intuition and my integrity.
My heart wasn't in it when I ran into her last month and she said "we really should catch up - grab coffee or something."
But of course I did it. I did it because I didn't want to stand in my truth. I did it because it would be socially awkward not to. I did it because I "should" be polite. I did it because I had no idea how to politely turn her down without lying - making something up.
This whole week has felt like I'm not in line with my integrity and I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. But I guess I can at least acknowledge that I'M AWARE. and that's the first step.
I need to drop the judgement (and the judgement OF the judgement). And I need to really start allowing what wants to happen in the moment.
And be OK.
And I also need to remind myself that this isn't going to happen over night. That there will be times I move forward and times I move backwards and that I'm always learning and I have to be open for disappointing days but know that I'm always trying (and/or allowing, accepting, surrendering and just be-ing).
This is where I am today. Maybe as an entrepreneur - this is where you are at some point too?
Good days, bad days, in-between days.
Wishing you the start to a great weekend!! (At least there's that!) ; )